It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
