Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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