Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i came on her dog
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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