Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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