My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
