Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My breasts were aching with rage.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
