My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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