Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
