dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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