You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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