During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Couch. On fire.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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