I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
