She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
