while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
