So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
