I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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