Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
