I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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