I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
