I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
