I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
