Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
