omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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