he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
