Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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