Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
