If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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