Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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