I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
