so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
