I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
