This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
