Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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