Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
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