Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
