my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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