I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My breasts were aching with rage.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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