um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
