Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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