Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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