ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
