She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
We had to coat check the pizza.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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