i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
