Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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