In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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