Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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