I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
