it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Randomize
