I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
