Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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