there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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